When it seems too great

I just got off the boat and I’m physically tired. I’m drained and in desperate need of rest. But it has been about two hours now and I still couldn’t sleep. My mind is overthinking and my heart is anxious as ever. I am burdened and I feel that where I am about to go and what I am about to do is just too great for me. The task seems to overwhelm me. I feel unqualified. 

Three in the morning and I’m still trying to make sense of all that God has planned for me. I’m struggling. Deep in my heart I know that this is what God wanted me to do but in my mind I’m counting down the cost of following His will for me. “Take up your cross and follow Me” couldn’t possibly get as real as it could already be at the moment.

This should not have been so hard. Following Christ’s great commission shouldn’t be that difficult to follow. But why am I struggling to submit to His authority? Why can’t I be as strong as people see me to be? Where was my desire to follow Him gone to? 

I missed it. I missed the whole point of this mission. I forgot the reason why. I forgot who the reason was. When I came back from our first mission trip in 2017, I wanted to go back so badly. I told God that I can’t be here back home, because I should have been out there in the field. I wanted to work on the harvest and be where Jesus’ heart was. I wanted to see people just the way He sees them and love them just as He has. I cried because I wanted it to last longer. A few short days were not enough for me. I wanted to be with Jesus working and reaching out as many people for the Gospel. I wanted them to know my Saviour. I wanted people to hear the Good News. I wanted them to have hope. I wanted them to know who Jesus is. There was so much passion in me and my heart was beating for the nations, the least and the unreached. 

Then a cold wind suddenly blows over me as if I hear God speaking to me, “Stop crying and rest in Me. When it seems too great for you, I am here and I will carry you. Have faith, that even if you don’t see it working out, trust that I am working all things for your good. Be strong and courageous for I am with you always.”

So, today I realised that I did not just lose my desire to go but I lost my desire for Jesus. I gave more thought of the worries of the world rather than the cause of Christ for the world. I lost track, I lost sight, I lost the love I had at first. I forgot to whom my heart should be beating for. Following Jesus should have never been a difficult burden but a joyful submission of a wholehearted decision out of love and desire for the One who leads and has given the great commission.